My blog

They say never go to bed angry; and that’s something i like believe also. So late one November evening; after an argument filled night with my wife Bridgette, i left the house and went for a walk to clear my head. The arguments were becoming more and more frequent, the further along in she went in her pregnancy. I was going to be a father and almost nothing could bring me down of that high; except Bridgette.

It always started small; most times over things which needn’t see confrontation. Money matters; the trash not being taken out on time; the air conditioner being set 2 degree’s lower than she liked it. From there it would escalate; she knew better than anyone else did; and knew exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of me. I’m not without blame; as with most things (good and bad) it takes two to tango. Because the pregnancy has been rough on her; I try to give her some push room.

But tonight. Oh, tonight was a step to far. Try as i might to remember the spark which lit the fuse; it continues to elude me. I turned around to say something as my face was met with a sharp sting of a slap. I stood there; flabbergasted, biting my bottom lip. Fingers twitching as my hand balled up to a fist; was all i could to do to not slap back or worse. I turned away and hit the wall; i must have hit a support beam, because it felt like my hand had shattered. Bridgette ran into the room crying as I grabbed my coat and headed out of the door. I couldn’t be around her right now; No I could be. I just didn’t want to be..

I couldn’t tell you what went through my head that night. Lots of angry thoughts swam through my head; i just wanted to scream. Sure, we argue, who doesn’t; but it had never turned violent before. Ok; it may have been just a slap and i perhaps i was over thinking it all, but that’s something i swore i’d never be a part of. The anger gave way to being upset and thats when the tears started.

I was lost in my own little world as I pulled my shirt up to wipe my eyes. I stepped out to cross the road; tried to adjust me eyes but was blinded by the light of a car I hadn’t noticed. The horn and the screeching of the tires as the tired to grind to a halt; were defining. This is what it’s like to be hit by a car. The impact was quite sudden; the pressure and pain quite excruciating; and then a sense of freedom as you’re being propelled through the air.

That’s the moment that lasted forever. I wish I could say that my life flashed before my eyes; but it didn’t. All i could think was I’d never get to hold my baby. I’d never get to see her smile; or hear her laugh. There was a moment of clarity; where i knew everything would be ok. That was followed by a thud as my limp body landed in a position i never imagined myself being able to get into.

I couldn’t feel anything at that stage. I doubt that I was even conscious. There was nothing; no sound, no light; not even darkness, just nothing.

I had my forever; and it was everything I had ever wanted. Fate had other ideas..

There comes a time; when you need to realise that sometimes, the things you want most are the things which are slowly killing you. I tried for so long to keep the relationship together. I did love her; and on some level I still do and always will. Not in a way that I want to be with her though; not any more. But in the end I was holding on for the girls.

I couldn’t end it myself; so i’m glad she was able to do it. It hurt; and I suppose it still does a little bit. BUT it was for the best. For myself and for Nat.

That should be the end of it; but it’s not. Nat and I have two beautiful little monsters. Our babies; they are the ones who this will impact the most; they are the ones who are most important to us.

We’ll both move on to new relationships; we’ll both find that happy which we couldn’t give each other. You know what? I’m fine with that.. Happy us means happy kids.

So, I don’t understand why things need to be difficult.

It absolutely kills me that I don’t get to see them every day. But what can I do?

I don’t want to take the girls away from their Mum. They need their mum; but they need me too. I know Nat though; she’s always been person who needs to feel in control. Things are done her way; when she wants it done; how she wants it done or so help you god.

I can’t help but think this mediation process will be made difficult; for the simple fact that she won’t be in control of what happens. What happens needs to be in the best interest of our babies.

I think we need to sit down with her in person or on the phone before hand and talk about it before hand. Just so we know a basic idea of where each of us are. I just want to be more involved with my girls lives.

Speaking as someone who knows they are dying; slowly but surely, please allow me to say that death scares the bejesus out of me. Not so much the dying part; because lets face it, that happens to everyone; even superman. It’s the not knownin g that gets to me; the when, where or how. That said, if someone were to offer me that infomation; chances are i would turn them down. The only thing worse than kowning would be to know.

I lay awake and thoughts of death overtake me; I should say thoughts of being dead overtakes me, it makes me sounda little less morbid.

Thoughts about what happens when you die, I really dont want to go all biblical; but there has to be something else, right? We cant just be a living, breathing conscious and then nothing, it just doesnt make sense.

Thoughts of, will i be remembered? By my children? Sure. By my grandchildren? It’s likely. By my great grandchildren? Now we’re pushing it.

We live on as long as someone remembers us. For many; the memories of us will survive for three generations at most. Unless ofcourse we manage to do something either incredibly great or insanely hideous, and thru the course of our actions touch the lives of millions. Albert Einstein and Adolf Hitler spring mind here. Or we could just get a good publicist like that Jesus guy did; dude’s been dead just shy of 2000 years and people are still talking about him.

It starts when we first find out that Santa Claus isn’t real; and from there it only gets worse.
Yet nothing seems to match the disappoint we feel from the opposite sex.
Or should we say the disappointment we feel towards ourselves when we continually fall..
Fall in love; fall for them; fall for the words, because they’re what we want… no; what we need to hear.
Believing in them; just like believing in Santa can bring a smile to any ones face.
As we get older though; we don’t tend to heal as quickly as we once did.
Perhaps because we remember each disappointment they lay upon us.
The biggest disappointments still comes from within, because even though we remember;
We allow yourself to continue to fall.

Only 2 weeks to go until you grace us with your presence. A true beacon of light; on what has proven to be the worst year i have had the displeasure of enduring.

First up, I am sorry that i wasn’t able to give you the in utero attention you deserved. Don’t mistake that for a lack of love or excitement. The excitement was certainly there when we first found out you were on your way; and it continues to be present, although I am having trouble showing it. The smile when you arrive will be as wide as it was with your sister.

Mummy and I were having so much trouble deciding on a name for you.. We weren’t able to even decide on a temp name. That is; until your sister started calling you DeeDee. So that was your name. I assume that will be a nick name you’re stuck with with as well. We have finally decided on a name for you; we hope you like it.

Thank you for being gentler on your mother than Violet was. She has been able to enjoy this pregnancy immeasurably more; which I hope allows for a greater bond between you both in the first few weeks.

So many people are waiting to meet you. Not everyone was able to stay here to meet you; despite how much he wanted to. Poppy was very sick; and he tried oh so very hard. I’m sure your sister will be able to regale you with stories about your Poppy.

Look around you DeeDee; it’s a bold new world you’re entering; and your new life will be filled with love. Oh the places you’ll go and the people you’ll meet. Someone will be with you always.

I will make the same promise to you as i did your sister. I can not promise everything you want; but i will promise you everything you will ever need.

See you soon, My Sweet.

Love,
Daddy.

I wrote this because I wanted to say something at Dads memorial. I had hoped that I wouldn’t be alone in saying something; but unfortunately I was. I don’t know their reasons, I don’t really care to be honest with you; i’m just disappointed. It was me who wanted the wake for that very reason; Mum was content enough not too.

I wasn’t going to put this up here; but i’ve just got done watching the episodes of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall lost his Dad. As fictional as I know it is; I wish I could have had a relationship like that with mine.

It’s hard to know where to start.

For the first few days, everything had been so strange and disorienting. I’ve had an even harder time sleeping than I usually do… Weird dreams keep waking me; more often than not with tears in my eyes. However; despite all the grief, the pain, the sometime seemingly infinite night… the sun keeps coming up.

It can’t stop for me, same as it won’t anyone else either; and every day the same thing continues to happens.

The regret is real. The sadness and heartbreak are real. The sun was real. But also, the love was real.

The hardest part about any of this; isn’t the fact that i’ve lost a father. As hard as that seems at the moment, in my own way i’ll be able to deal with that. I think the hardest part for me; will be that the girls growing on without their poppy.. I’m sure Violet will remember; but #2 never had a chance to know him. When she inevitably asks “what was poppy like?”, I know what I’m going to say.

Have a look at everyone here; the friends and family; everyone who knew Dad.. It’s one giant jigsaw; and when one piece is removed, the outline of where it was is still visible. Everything Dad left behind; it defines his shape. Look around, you can still see and feel him.

Without fail,

Each every morning,

the sun will continue to rise.

And it has done. Some days are fine; other days not so much. Seeing the gears grinding and the world continue to turn, somedays is just… yeah.

I’ve had a Dad for 30 years; I’ve only not had one for 3 days.  Bare with me while i deal with this at my own pace. Please.

When Mum called on Thursday to tell me about Dads passing; I knew who and what the call was about without even seeing the display. Part of me didn’t want to answer the phone; part of me thought that if i wasn’t told; then it didn’t happen. That part of me is an idiot.  With that call; in 90 seconds my reality shifted, and i’m trying to get myself back on course.

That morning as nat and Vi prepared to head to Nat’s parents place for the night; I went up the road to Mum and Dads place to borrow some bread for the little ones Breakfast. Went over to the bed so that I could say hi to Dad; spoke with him for a little bit and he asked me to stay a bit a longer. Told him I couldn’t; that I had to get the bread home for Vi’s breakfast. The last thing I said to him was that I would be back up a little bit later. I never made it back up there.

When i went back up there after the fact; I felt cold; i felt numb; I felt like someone who had disappointed their father on his death bed. Mum’s told me that i’m being silly; as has Nat; as have a few other people. They’re not the ones who have to deal with this feeling though..  Its unbearable.

I sat with Dad that night; for what seemed like hours. Spending some time with him; like i promised him I would that morning. Talking with him in-between the tear filled apologises.

He loved me; he was proud of me. I know this. I, however; find myself sick to my stomach with myself.

So, despite what anyone says. Until i’m ready to forgive myself; these feelings aren’t going away.

I close my eyes now; and I see him laying there. He was peaceful; he was pain free. Im glad it’s over for him.  Now comes the hard part; living.

To those of you who read this. If you have a chance to spend time with a dying relative/friend; do so. Every chance you can. Trust me when I say; You will regret it if you don’t.

I can sit through horror movies full of blood and gore; I can view the infamous internet shock sites without so much of a twitch.
But watching someones health degrade so rapidly, to a state where they’re more un than conscious; chills me to my very core.

I got what i needed to hear; i just wish it could have been under better circumstances. He loves me and he’s proud of me; two things I don’t recall hearing from him before. When emotions aren’t often shown, it’s amazing what three little words can do to a person; the enormity of them is oft’ overlooked.

I’ve said my goodbye; as much as i can bring myself to. I’m not a bad son for wanting it to be over for him. I just want to tell him that he’s fought the good fight and now its time to let go.. But i can’t.

I wish you peace Dad. We’ll be ok; we’re Harrison’s; it’s what we do.

For what seems like an eternity, i’ve wanted too put pen to paper as it were; but no matter how much i wanted them to, the words just wouldn’t flow like they use to.

The past, let’s say 16 months or so, have been an eye opener for me reguarding the whole “circle of life” thing. I’ve had friends die before; more than enough to be honest with you. Before Beau, no family though.

Granddad Harrison has only just passed away aswell, it got to me more than i assumed it would. In the same regards as Beau; it upset me because I didn’t get a chance to see him before he went. I would have liked him to have met Vi; but he had trouble rememebering his own children; let alone grandchildren; let alone great grandchildren. My own wants didn’t matter here; and I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than I assume he already was towards the end.
Growing up; we would only really see them at Christmas time as far as i recall; and I don’t really remember all that much of him.. The memory that holds sharpest for me, is Him giving me a pocket knife, many many years ago. It’s still around here; somewhere.

Now here’s the one that leaves you winded after a kick in the guts..

Dad has cancer; but before we go into that further, a quick recap of this father/son relationship.

For whatever the reasons were; growing up, Dad and I clashed. A lot. See, i said quick.

So, the clock is ticking; lets just hope the treatment slows down the hands a little.

Being told about it; I felt a lot of things, most of which i’m assuming will resurface again sometime down the track. Shock being the most prominant.
16 months ago; something happened. Something which i feel made him the proudest of me that he ever had been. That being Violet’s arrival.
Watching them play; or simply sit and watch tv, it brings a little smile to my face. Ive noticed the playing lessen the last couple of weeks, not thru lack of wanting too mind you. I sometimes think that i’ll be more upset for Violet than I will be for myself.. She’ll go there and go looking for her Poppy; only she wont find him.. That’s going to be the hardest thing to see.. How do you explain the concept of death to a toddler?

I dread this talk more than the sex talk, i’m sure we’ll eventually have to have.

Although he may not have been the worlds greatest Dad; i assure you, he is the worlds greatest poppy. Hands down.

It’s just a harsh reality we live in.. As time goes on; friends will die; family will die; you will die. and despite any advanced warning; it’s guaranteed to suck beyond the telling of it.

The rest of us; well, we just have to suck it up and go on living.

I really hoped that this would help; it hasn’t..

I had a dream the other night that i was walking around Brisbane carrying a decapitated head; walking by people i knew, while they all remained blissfully unaware that i was there.. all the while the head kept whispering to me, nasty little secrets that these people didnt want me to know.. Oh so many of them.. My word those people are sick and twisted and well; just not nice people at all..